I love a murder mystery upon the radio
I love it
I love it
I really love it so the heroine is yelling
while the sponsor goes on selling
don't touch me you brute
Use delirium for your tube.
Sam shovels in a hovel,
he must grovel for a clue.
I love it, I love it, I rally, rally do.
Charlotte Helms will give his answer,
interrupted by the sponsor.
You see Watson, when the villain.
Painless Joel, do your drilling.
I'm nervous when I turn the dial,
I'm dizzy in the head.
When it's time for inner stankum,
I go underneath my bed.
Don't shoot me, Biggs, the stoolie,
as they put him through the mill.
I'll shoot you, I'll shoot you.
Seriously, I will.
The girl he tries to take
and then we have a station break.
Come on, baby, come to me.
Boing, boing, boing.
This is station C -O -D. -
- - - -
He's not breathing,
but how can he, he's dead.
He's dead!
Why this is a job for Superman,
or Hopalong Cavity,
or Jack Headstrong, the all -American boy,
or Jerry Lewis.
But I don't scare easily, not me,
I'm too frightened to be scared.
I'll find the killer, I'll
search the apartment,
aha, just as I thought,
three shoes under the bed.
Well, that's logical
for a man with three feet.
Ha ha ha! But I have it now, Inspector!
I can even kill a lawyer!
His name is... Painless Joel,
do ya, darlin'?
My flesh begins to creep
and then my skin begins to crawl.
You'd think I was a wind
the way I wiggle down the hall.
I love a murder mystery upon the radio.
I love it. I love it.
I really love it so.
I love it when I'm listening late at night
and a murderer's stalking a heroine.
And a hero is stalking a murderer
and a private eye is stalking a hero
And the cops are stalking the private eye
And they're coming in closer and closer
Surely but closer and surely
They're coming out of the radio
Now they're stalking me
What have I done?
I was only listening to the radio
Now they're throwing
toothpaste at me
They're coming closer and closer
And I don't know the conjunctive
moods of anyone
That may be based on the fact
that other people
They say they're fat
Where else I can spend you?
And certainly not the one in jail
I'm not well enough to know
that any health may say I'm wrong
And I feel that I must stay here now
No one else will ever know
the fact I wish I was dead.
But I love a murder mystery!